What is wrong with me?
What did I do wrong?
Why won’t my body work like it’s supposed to?
These are just a few of the very real thoughts that cycled through my mind daily while struggling with fertility issues. I was extremely frustrated and angry at my broken body because it couldn’t do the very basic thing that a woman’s body is meant to do-have a freaking baby.
It wasn’t until after my third miscarriage that I truly recognized the hatred I had begun to have towards my body. I felt so deceived because I was able to get pregnant but then my body would fail me and let go of the most precious thing in life-my babies.
I hit rock bottom at this time and realized I needed to begin healing and forgiving my body.
It wasn’t easy, and I didn’t have a clear plan, but I did find peace and began to truly forgive my broken body. I am fortunate that I have moved to a much more positive place and was able to do so with a lot of work and love. I truly hope you will also find these ideas helpful and you will begin your journey to forgiving your broken body.
4 Steps Towards Forgiveness
This can be the most difficult step, but it can also be the most profound. Spending time with just yourself, without any interruptions and away from your home can be powerful.
Spending time alone with yourself, especially when it can be the last thing you want to do during your fertility journey, allows you the opportunity to get a clearer perspective and truly listen to your thoughts. As scary as it may seem, you need to really validate and acknowledge your own thoughts in order to move towards healing and forgiving your broken body.
During my “me time”, I actually took an entire weekend at a quiet hotel down the street so I would be forced to focus only on me. It was a very long weekend, all by myself, but I came out a completely different person. A weekend away may not be possible, but even scheduling time for a long walk can be very beneficial.
Whatever activity you choose, make this a priority and don’t let anything get in the way of your “me time”.
I know, I know, if you hear any more of needing to be “positive” you will punch someone. I am definitely not here to tell you to be positive. However, there IS something behind affirmations that can truly change your mindset.
The real deal behind affirmations is not to just “say” the words. They are truly meaningful statements said with confidence that you perceive as truth. Um…..ok, but you don’t believe that you are perfect and whole in every way. I get it, I really do.
BUT, if you keep saying them or reading them they will become your truth. The affirmations will replace the negative and hurtful thoughts you have towards your body.
I had the following affirmations posted on my bathroom mirror so I would see them every single day.
“I set my worries aside and I allow my body to do its job”
“I love my body, it is not broken”
“I am completely whole and worthy of love”
Seeing these three powerful affirmations multiple times a day began to slowly change my inner thoughts. When I truly began feeling them I was overwhelmed with emotion. We are so unkind to ourselves and when we begin to love our bodies again, it is very emotional.
Guided Imagery and Meditation
I will admit that I am one of the worst at meditating. I know it is supposed to be good for me, but I just can’t sit still long enough or deep breath slow enough to focus. My mind races a million miles a minute. During my transition from hating to loving my broken body, I thought I would give it one last try.
I didn’t find anything useful on apps or YouTube but my good ol’ friend Amazon came through! The first one listed was a CD by healthjourney’s titled Guided Meditations to Help with Fertility, by Belleruth Naparstek. Since it was the first one listed (and I tend to shop that way) I took the plunge.
I was skeptical of course but incredibly surprised.
Belleruth has a very calming voice and the music is complimentary and not distracting. She resonated with me from the first few minutes. I love that it is divided into sections. To begin my forgiveness journey, I focused on the last section-Meditation for grieving, letting go and moving forward. It is only 17 minutes but the words are on point.
This is the one section I kept listening to over and over:
“It is understood how much hurting you’ve done. The cycles of hoping and disappointment. The wordless ache of longing. The heaviness on your heart. The moments of self blame. Or the outrage that has felt like betrayal from your very own flesh. All that pain is understood. Heartbreakingly intense at one moment and heavy and dull the next. All of it is understood. And you can gently allow yourself to acknowledge the toll this takes on yourself and possibly others. “
Let those words sink in. Wow.
This was how I became a believer of guided imagery and meditation. It is so important that you find what works best for you, but I had to share this incredible resource and also save you time in researching.
Write Yourself a Letter
This may sound totally “out there” but it works! Write a letter to yourself but write it as though you are talking to your very best friend. Imagine the empathy and support you would give her. The kind words you would say to let her know she is cared for and her body is perfect the way it is. Take the time to really support your “friend”, specifically the issues about her broken body.
I am asking you to go deep.
When you are ready, slowly read the letter back to yourself. You might feel awkward. But it will be the most perfect letter you have ever read because it says everything you ever wanted to hear. No one knows what you need to hear better than YOU.
Keep this letter, cherish it and reread it over and over until you believe the words on the page.
Please Remember This
I know how hard it is to go through the pain month after month. You feel as though your body has lied to you and failed you. I get that, 100%. But there is so much healing and acceptance that can begin with loving yourself and forgiving your broken body.
You deserve your love more than anyone. It’s time.
Please share any of your helpful ideas or resources you used to begin forgiving your broken body in the comments. I would love to add to my list and provide more help to others.